The Katican Dreaming

Posts Tagged ‘Perspective

The plan is to change for the better.

Give me strength!
Make me strong!

Most importantly, 

don’t forget to love..
The world is in my own hands..

I found the problems and now I found the cure. I have known them existed all along but I chose to ignore it. For too long I have be shunning it and it’s time to face myself, my fears, my inner me.

It’s got to happen. It has to..I don’t want to give myself any more excuses.

We only live once! So stop all these crap and nonsense and start living!

Are we living a lie that we created for ourselves? Are we really going to see the truth? When?

When I grow up?
When I finally could set myself free from everything?
When there is no longer hatred?
When we are too old to do anything about what has been done already?

I do not want to think. I can’t think.

I just hope I can do the right thing.
No matter how difficult it takes.

It is, afterall, my life.

I loathe superficiality. 

But still I fell into this trap easily. Sometimes its tiring to be that person that you are not. Merely 2 hours at the gym is a test of mental strength and character. I was bombarded by people. Everyone asks and talks about the same things. I repeated the same answers over and over, only hoping to be left alone. 

It’s sad, when I realised that I am no longer the naive little girl that I was, who was so flustered when someone asked for my number. Now I am weathered and cold inside (trust me, intrinsically I am full of love), though I could use a little sweetness and politeness to put up as a front. Being able to easily see through people is a sickening skill to acquire.
I yearn for that something to release me. From my own walls which I built up. I am afraid to fell into the pitfalls of adulthood where all u could think about is materialistic desires and possessions. MJ’s death remind me painfully of how someone can still stay true their inner child and be who they really are despite what the rest of the world is against or has disposed of that ideal. I am not saying we should all dispense our money and start playing hide and seek because, unfortunately, society does not function in such empirical and simplistic way. 
All that said..what is exactly an appropriate definition for simplicity?  What is simple between people? Between lovers? Between friends? How ironic it is that we always yearned for something simple and yet it is always us who complicate things? And what lies beneath that calm and composed surface of people that you meet every day? I am extremely curious. 
I pray that I am not asking too much from the person that I will need. ok.. I need someone whom I can converse with on an intellectual level; someone whom I can laugh, cry and play with; Someone who listens to his inner child; Someone who is able to see the world in my eyes; someone who loves unconditionally. 
Maybe the last one is too trying to achieve. Even myself is not up to it. But we should never stop hoping and dreaming. I am saying all these is not because I am advertising for a boyfriend, but I realised the need to have a little idea of what I really want so when I am presented with one I would not miss it. And yes, I was reminded twice yesterday that I DO NOT have a boyfriend. Finally, if you think all that I’ve said is vague and non-essential then maybe you haven’t get the point. 
Embrace the child that we are…
I hope I find you,

Finally, I have some questions answered

Stolen from Lisa Marie Presley..

“Friday, June 26, 2009

He Knew.

Years ago Michael and I were having a deep conversation about life in general.

I can’t recall the exact subject matter but he may have been questioning me about the circumstances of my Fathers Death.

At some point he paused, he stared at me very intensely and he stated with an almost calm certainty, “I am afraid that I am going to end up like him, the way he did.”

I promptly tried to deter him from the idea, at which point he just shrugged his shoulders and nodded almost matter of fact as if to let me know, he knew what he knew and that was kind of that.

14 years later I am sitting here watching on the news an ambulance leaves the driveway of his home, the big gates, the crowds outside the gates, the coverage, the crowds outside the hospital, the Cause of death and what may have led up to it and the memory of this conversation hit me, as did the unstoppable tears.

A predicted ending by him, by loved ones and by me, but what I didn’t predict was how much it was going to hurt when it finally happened.

The person I failed to help is being transferred right now to the LA County Coroners office for his Autopsy.

All of my indifference and detachment that I worked so hard to achieve over the years has just gone into the bowels of hell and right now I am gutted.

I am going to say now what I have never said before because I want the truth out there for once.

Our relationship was not “a sham” as is being reported in the press. It was an unusual relationship yes, where two unusual people who did not live or know a “Normal life” found a connection, perhaps with some suspect timing on his part. Nonetheless, I do believe he loved me as much as he could love anyone and I loved him very much.

I wanted to “save him” I wanted to save him from the inevitable which is what has just happened.

His family and his loved ones also wanted to save him from this as well but didn’t know how and this was 14 years ago. We all worried that this would be the outcome then.

At that time, In trying to save him, I almost lost myself.

He was an incredibly dynamic force and power that was not to be underestimated.
When he used it for something good, It was the best and when he used it for something bad, It was really, REALLY bad.

Mediocrity was not a concept that would even for a second enter Michael Jackson’s being or actions.

I became very ill and emotionally/ spiritually exhausted in my quest to save him from certain self-destructive behavior and from the awful vampires and leeches he would always manage to magnetize around him.

I was in over my head while trying.

I had my children to care for, I had to make a decision.

The hardest decision I have ever had to make, which was to walk away and let his fate have him, even though I desperately loved him and tried to stop or reverse it somehow.
After the Divorce, I spent a few years obsessing about him and what I could have done different, in regret.

Then I spent some angry years at the whole situation.
At some point, I truly became Indifferent, until now.

As I sit here overwhelmed with sadness, reflection and confusion at what was my biggest failure to date, watching on the news almost play by play The exact Scenario I saw happen on August 16th, 1977 happening again right now with Michael (A sight I never wanted to see again) just as he predicted, I am truly, truly gutted.

Any ill experience or words I have felt towards him in the past has just died inside of me along with him.

He was an amazing person and I am lucky to have gotten as close to him as I did and to have had the many experiences and years that we had together.

I desperately hope that he can be relieved from his pain, pressure and turmoil now.
He deserves to be free from all of that and I hope he is in a better place or will be.

I also hope that anyone else who feels they have failed to help him can be set free because he hopefully finally is.

The World is in shock but somehow he knew exactly how his fate would be played out some day more than anyone else knew, and he was right.

I really needed to say this right now, thanks for listening.

~LMP “

I was watching MTV this afternoon and there it was, endless loop of michael’s music videos and documentaries. It is then I realised how he had been misunderstood as a person, who was never allowed to have a ‘normal’ life. His demise is inevitable, just like so many before him.

Life for him as a star is short and bright, at least bright for the most part of it. He had physically grown as a person but mentally he was still a child, and a lonely and emotionally reliant one. Many tried to bring him down and they had succeeded. The world has lost yet another star.

He could have the world, and everything that he needed, yet all he needed was love.

You are not alone.

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.”

Cecil Beton.

Just a random thought..

You don’t have to make someone sad to make yourself happier. Or you don’t have to be sad yourself if someone is happier than u.

True happiness begins with yourself.

To the unhappy and emo souls out there….
take a step back and see what you are actually missing.


We are all wannabes, but in a good way.

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